The Fear of Silence

( The idea for this Poem was derived from a poem "Fear of the Unknown" by a really good friend of mine, Sloka @ http://slokasays.blogspot.com. Thanks Sloka. Enjoy the read, all of you, and do comment.)

Doors fly open , a lady cartwheeled in a hurry,

A single cry emanates, and the tension dies down,

Enter the world my dear - pure and divine,

Open your eyes , see - first sight,

Next the smell of curry, dal and rice,

Laughters all around, woosh wee, woosh

You are thrown high up in the air

All smiles disappear, you feel the fright

Fear runs through you,

A special someone catches you in mid flight

Its orange up in the sky,

It shall turn blue and then black

all that shall remain is moonlight,

You thrust yourself into the sea

Trying to surge through the waves

Show her the tricks, your board can play

Thou and thee shall thus play

And then she engulfs you,

The silence takes you, crushes you, in its fold

A special someone hurls you, in the night, all cold

Short Cuts and Long cuts make your life,

An alley you need to cross,

crookedness all the way

Not a soul in sight,

Except for the one eyed rot,

All rotten he is,

with a beard and a knife.

Lost are you - you need to find the way,

The fear makes you whisper asking for the way,

A special someone points the direction with a knife's sway

Your watch ticks nine,

The reservations are all in line,

Out steps a lady in RED,

Looking all drop dead,

Escorted she is to your table,

Gracefully is she then seated,

Wine for two, sparkling red,

A question is aksed,

The fear prompts you to,

The special someone wears it on the index,

And all you can hear is - "I do".

A place to stay you have built,

A generation to carry on - created,

A safety deposit filled to the brim,

A lady love who has hanged on to you,

In happiness, sorrows and for every day,

The Last day that you spent in office

All that you needed to leave behind,

All those you needed to say goodbye,

The fear makes you feel like an empty tray,

The special someone brings coffee to start a new day.

Strips of tablets, bottles of the elixir,

Glucose dripping through you at length,

Oxygen seeping through the mask on your mane,

A single stroke - a punch is all it takes,

Flashes of all that you have done,

Flashes of all that you could have done,

Friends family and all that is dear,

Cars money and all that you cant take away,

The Silence shows you your last sights

A special someone holds you tight on your heavenly flight.

The Fear of Flight,

The Silence in the Night,

The Fear of the Question,

The Silence in the Answers,

The Fear of the Empty,

The Silence of the Full,

It is the fear that starts it all,

It is the silence that ends it.

The Fear of Silence defines What Remains.

A Requiem to my endless desires

Clarity of thought - uncluttered , unencrypted, free,

Devoid of plastic - tangible, dispensable, breakable,

Real not just sight but by touch smell and voice.

Salutations to Lucifer and his twin fathers,

I seek a clear tangible, real uncluttered mind.

Threads of carbon fibre - hard and of a single color - black,

Reinforced with steel - Tensile , malleable and ductile,

Intertwined together - cohesive strong and unbreakable.

Salutations to Lucifer and his twin fathers,

I seek friends made of composite fibre,

Sparkling drops of water - un-chlorinated, non toxic,

The scent of flowers - blooming, unadulterated with smoke,

The feel of the earth - unvulcanised, untreated.

Salutations to Lucifer and his twin fathers,

I seek a sparkling, scent filled, untreated world.

A laughter to clear the moods - lively and flowing,

The smell of flowers - mesmerizing, intoxicating.

A spark in the dark sky- a touch, a sensation.

Salutations to Lucifer and his twin fathers,

I seek a life - lively, intoxicating and sensational.

Love flowing - river like and unending,

Voice creating melancholy- sweet and assuring,

Lips - a taste notwithstanding - pure and divine.

Salutations to Lucifer and his twin fathers,

I seek a woman to give me love - pure sweet and divine.

Salutations to Lucifer and his twin fathers,

I seek a world untreated.

A mind tangible and real

I seek a life intoxicated with,

a woman's love - pure sweet and reassurimg.

I provide to you a requiem,

A requiem to my endless desires.

An ode to Obscurity

Walking down the alley, you find a coin;

The optimist in you says “Its a 9”

The pessimist in you says “6”.

Well the answer my dear friend-

Its a 6 in HELL and 9 in HEAVEN.

And it dawns upon me,

What if in reality – God was evil, the Devil all good,

You would be doing good all your life,

And focus on knocking it right reaching Heaven;

Only to find to reach there – All you needed to do was evil.

Perception I dare say,

Was the devil’s creation,

To keep you nearer to God;

Away from Lucifer – Thy father.

An oasis in the middle of the desert,

Or just a mirage clouding your mind,

An hourglass of a woman walking your way,

Or just alcohol affecting you every which way.

And then mind’s floodgates open,

Illusions were the handiworks of the Gods and

The devil defined all that is real.

Vanity, Lust and fear – the gift of the Gods,

Sex, money and Tears – the gift of the devil , my dear.

Perception I dare say,

Was the devil’s creation

To keep you nearer to God;

Away from Lucifer – Thy father.

A drop of blood, holistically pure,

A fuel to life and Imagination,

A drop of tear emotionally endured,

A concoction of angst, fury and pain.

A drop of the metabolically clear,

Without the disposal of which , death would be near,

A drop of white , nectar divine,

Creating a new parallel universe.

And the realization strikes,

The nectar of the Gods – was the blood of the evil,

So much so that the blood of the Gods

Cannot keep me away from the evil,

Carcinogenic it is – spreading rapidly,

Bringing me nearer to Lucifer and his ways.

Perception I dare say,

Was the devil’s creation

To keep you nearer to God;

Away from Lucifer – Thy father.

An urge to be unique – holds you in raptures,

An original idea, as Nash had it, is what the heart desires,

Steal the ‘steal’ from the stolen, make it yours to show to the world,

Packaging the key my good friend, presentation will take you all the way.

And then the grey cells are awakened,

Are the fables of Tolstoy any true

Or just the imaginations of the insane mind,

A mind which did not see the good in all that is evil.

A mind which did not perceive that to be good you needed to be eveil.

Perception I dare say,

Was the devil’s creation

To keep you nearer to God;

Away from Lucifer – Thy father.

The 9 , the mirage , the lust, the vanity –

Gifts of God to you, my dear.

The 6, the alcohol, the sex, the fables –

The anxieties of Lucifer and father - the devil

Two faces of the same coin they seem to me –

Perception I dare say,

Was the devil’s creation

To keep you nearer to God;

Away from Lucifer – Thy father.

In a single stretch of imagination.

Whistling in the woods, singing in the rain,
Thy shall call for thee, call out in vain.
One kiss was what Noyes wanted for his man on the highway.
Through blood agony and the love of god the man sway.
A futile wish to be together and hold his way.
Forbiddden love unyielding unrelenting, not a penny's worth.
If only one had the heart to tell Noyes of love in the world today.

I see the world around me,
clean, sensible and uncluttered.
Its perfect, the grass is green ,
the sky is blue, the clouds are white,
the leaves are green and my shadow black.
The colors are in place as they should be.

Diving deep into my thoughts,
Its all up here in the colors,
the leaves - a perception , a paradigm , a thought process.

All my senses in place,
taking it as it comes my way.
I breathe in unfazed, unaltered.
Sustenance is a part of me,
Simulations/ Stimulations are a part of me,
I am ready to live with - I cant live without.

And then it rained, drops of water all over me,
The sunlight falls on the droplets on the leaves,
the light reflects through the clouds,
A spectrum on the leaves and a rainbow in the sky.

In a single stretch of imagination should I say,
Imagination seems to concur with reality,
And it dawns , reality dawns - enlightenment,
the concocted mixture is the only thing real.

As I close my eyes to wonder,
I wonder to wonder,
If my mind could wander,
through the realms of the spirits,
through the realms of emotions,
through the realms of confusion,
to help the truth hold its way.

A tinge of thought, a drop of water,
a speck of dust, a touch is all it takes.
for the surreal to become real.
A touch, a kiss, a fragrance, one word
One arms length is encompassed
between the mind - the center of simulations
and the heart - center of emotions.

A candle burning, the waves harping away,
A sunset in sight, a moon rise on the way,
An arms length has been encompassed,
Simulations are part of yesterday,
Emotions shall hold its way.
Close your eyes Darling,
Its time for change - Paradigm shifts today.

If my mind could wander. . . .

If time keeps travellling forward and never looks back,
Why do I have the tendency to keep looking back.

TO believe , is it a sin ?
To "Not to believe",
Not a sin by any stretch of imagination.

The more you try to understand,
the more intriguing it seems,
Multitasking, multiprocessing, - a previledge,
A previledge of a few among the too many.

If you speak without prejudice,
You speak your mind . . . . ..
You could be lynched,
You could be crucified,
Better still unless Lucifer shall forbid,
You shall be castrated for thy sins.

A prejudiced opinion holds more,
more than what the mind can convey,
Sugar coating is the norm of the day,
Prejudice is here to stay.

On a zebra crossing,
Let the pedestrians cross.
Stop ! Gather your thoughts.
Let the thoughts cross over,
Show you the way.

Sometimes I stop to wonder,
I wonder to wonder,
If my mind could wander,
Wander away into ecstacy.
I could self sustain anyway.
Mental, physical, sensual, spiritual, emotional,
Close your eyes darling,
Pleasure is on the way.

And the bickerings continue,
No fuses here or safety valves there,
the flow is everlasting,
the transmissions will continue all the way.

Do I need addictions to trigger me brain,
Cant I send signals to stimulate anyway,
Sustenance nonetheless, my misery, my gain, my pain.
Alone thy has come, alone shall thy make way.

As I wonder to wonder, I wonder to wander,
Wonder to stimulate, wonder to dream,
Create the real in the unreal, make the surreal,
Each thought with multiple dimensions.
Multi - orgasmic - with only one orgasm to chose from.
Choice is mine , Choice is to be made.
A single choice in time, a choice never to look back again.

Aroma of Solititude

( This poem is written keeping in mind - my routine mundane life and a part of me which is no longer mine.)

As I walk past the valley of flowers,
Roses, jasmines, daisies and dandelions.
The aroma of your perfume enthralls me,
I have found you once and I will find you again,
And again and again and again.
I will settle with that aroma of you,
which will enthrall me forever.

The dust rises and with that rises , the aroma,
the aroma of the first drops of rain on dry earth,
A distance has to be reached, a smile emanates,
A journey to the daily oblivion, shall now begin.

Perspiration dripping down,
an aroma seething of hard work,
Cutting away the heights of time,
to start life afresh.
A depth needs to be refilled,
A mountain to be cleared.
But the aroma shall stay clear,
and shall always stay near.

The scent of jasmine spreads the aroma of sweetness,
from one heart to another, from one human to another,
All differences put aside,
all rifts and barriers put away.
The pungency of Hydrogen Sulphide spreads the aroma of bitterness,
from one mind to another, from one separatist to another,
making the great walls along the way,
to corner each other's susceptibility

Darkness prevails, the aroma of gloom is on the way,
Fangs of death coloring the world purple,
bringing with it the aroma of red, the color of rage.
What follows are a million superstitions,
suspicion is not far away.

It is time now, to spread the aroma of black,
Oh! soothing black engulf the world today,
the aroma of white is on the way.

Spread now the aroma of white,
divert happiness to this way.
Clear the skies, usher the aroma of white,
let it rush in, gush into our souls.

As I walk past the valley of flowers,
Roses, jasmines, daisies and dandelions,
The aroma of your perfume enthralls me,
I have found you once,
I will find you again,
And again and again and again.
I will settle with that aroma of you,
which will me enthrall me forever.

Misinterpretations of a Misconstrued Mind

Zietgeist.

For the first time in life, I had finally found GOD or rather the true meaning of life/living. An eye opener, it was supposed to be. I had finally got a chance to catch, or rather, latch onto something pure and unadulterated. In short I wanted to follow the footsteps of the Zeitgiest enmasse. But then as they say about at all good things . . . . All good things have to come to an end. Well actually all the Zeitgeist dreams were torn to pieces and thrown to the dogs by a single realisation. If the Zietgeist guy was so concerned about people being misled, then why was he misleading people, enmasse, as well. And he was making money out of it as well. So much for the much publicised free world or rather the Free World Economy.



Right and Wrong.

When People talk to me over the phone, they unmistakeably take me to be a North Indian thanks to my unnaccented(South Indian accent that is) Hindi and when they ask me my surname - Bhandary, they are convinced. And then they see me in person just to find my oh so gorgeous South Indian looks with a French beard to top it. . . .. . . . They are convinced of my Dravidian ancestry. A clear case of seeing is believing one might say. but then it can also be a case of appearances being decieving. And lo behold !! We fight over RIGHT and WRONG with no idea of either.



If only I knew why . . . .

I have spent the last 15 years of my life on my own , taking my own decisions. Trying to be a "mere actor in all world's play." I spent 7 years of years before that in the Gulf learning Arabic culture and Islam as a part of curricullum. For 3 years after that it was a story from the bible every morning and every night. The next 6 years I spent attending pujas for some or the dosha affecting my life thanks to my grandmother. And to top it I also did my engineering from an institute owing allegiance to the JSS Math. The point I am trying to make is I am well versed to see the good of every religion and try hard to understand the idiosyncranacies (I did not make it to GE, thanks to this word) of each of them. But if only I knew why others would not as well . . . . . . .

Inspired, Aspired, Adapted or Copied. . . . . .

As a kid the first three words would be a good word and the fourth word would be the one directly derived from Lucifer. Imagine my horror ,when as a 13 year old I confessed to a classmate of mine that I copied and he said I would spend 7 years in Hell. Not that I never copied again but that is because nobody scared me with the 7 year crap again. But thats a different story. With so many original stories around, I wonder why we get inspired by , aspire to be like, adapt from or copy from the WEST. For example, Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai was such a great movie except for the soundtrack which was directly derived from "I m the Man" - Black Strobe , OST Rock 'N' Rolla. Or the Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) of Godfather fixation (Rajneeti Sarkar to name a few). When you see the original, the copies leave a bad taste in the mouth. Music is has no end in terms of creativity. I remember the Mysore Dasara Festival of 2003, when Niladri Kumar and Shivamani (Yes the same drummer who supports Chennai Superkings) of the Asian Fusion fame treated us to some exotic sitar and drum jugalbandi. And Guess what all you Zietgeists fans, we watched this concert for free. And what irritates me to no end is if you copy / inspire from / aspire to be / adapt from ; Please acknowledge it. And for the love of god, please do justice to the original rather than make total shambles of it - The way Karan Johar's Pretty Woman in Kal ho Na Ho made total shambles of the original melody by Roy Orbison.


If someone makes a forceful entry into your house and claims it to be theirs, what will you do ???

Its been a long time since I have publicly aired my political opinion. Of course it used to happen every Tuesday in a debate forum in engineering college six years back. But with so much irrelevant literature written and debated on, I just felt I should make known to people, I know, that we are indeed being misled (I am not being Zietgeist by the way). Kashmir, Vietnam, Palestine, Ireland and even Our Naxal Brothers have the right causes, the right motive and if the Gita/Quran/Bible has to be qouted - maybe even the right way. But qouting a line for Spiderman " With great power comes greater responsibility", all these movements are not responsible enough. Death of a single life on any side in a fight between good and evil will always count as IRRESPONSIBILITY. Osama, Geelani, Saddam, Arafat to name a few, all had the right causes but lacked responsibility. Look around and you will see people with the right causes but who will never have the guts to own up any responsibility. Its like one of my fellow project coordinators in another company told me when I asked him why a Minutes of Meeting was so necessary, He just replied quote " We are all here to just save our skins". Funnily none of us would think twice, about responsibilty or saving our skins, when our homes are on fire . . . . . . .

Idli, dosa . . . Dhoklas,Dal Bhatti . . . Naan, Shorba . . . Momos, Spring Rolls . . . Lucknowi Biriyani

The Best Masala Dosa that I have ever had is at Vrindavan, Near Kadri Park, Mangalore. The Best Idlis at Mallige, below Bake point in Mysore. The Best dhoklas at a restaurant at Shahi Bhag, Ahmedabad. The Best Dal Bhatti I had was prepared by a Freind's Mom in Chittorgarh Rajasthan. The Best Naan, Butter Chicken and Shorba at Sind Punjab Restaurant , Karama, Dubai. The Best Momos and Spring Rolls at a Hao Hao Mangalore. The Best Biriyani I have ever had was in a Muslim Friend's Wedding. The best Chicken afghani at Mughal durbar, Mysore. The Best Wine at a Hotel near Rajmahal Jaipur. I wonder why I never bothered to know who was the cook, I mean we are living in a mean world aren't we ?? Think about it if it was a Tamilian, angry about Kaveri, he could have thoughts of killing me. Or better still a Punjabi, serving me my butter chicken, who is angry about the continous chitter chatter that we south indians are bound to do in our native tongues. He could have killed me the second time around. Or to top it all, The guy serving me that delicious fabulouso mouth watering Biriyani at Mughal Durbar - he could definitely be a Muslim - Wait a minute !!! all Muslims are not Terrorists but all Terrorists are Muslims aren't they ??? Goodness me I was so close to death . . . .Phew !!!! Naaah, Lucifer could not be so kind to a sinner like me . I guess its just because all these people saw me as just another HUMAN BEING. It was from One Human Being to Another thats it. Full stop. Religion/Region is just a way of life. It is to be accepted not forced upon , It is to be adapted not bull dozed upon. After all we are not Hindus or Muslims first, neither are we Indians or Pakistanis first, We are first Human Beings not hindus muslims Tamilians Kannadigas . . . . . ..

Gonna Make a change more once in life
Feels real good , gonna make a difference, gonna make it right
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and make a change.

Man in the Mirror
Bad
Michael Jackson

The Indian Male Libido . . . . . The whore . . . . . Feminism . . . . . Gay Abandon . . . . .

I have been often asked about the number of times that I have had sex or rather been close to having sex. Unfortunately its not been many either ways. And then as it would turn out my reputation would go down the kitchen sink. Hmmm !!! I have not been very lucky would sound like a looser. . . I have been very selective would sound high handed . . . . . Did not have the time would make people go " Ya right . . . . . .".But the truth is I never wanted to get laid with someone whose top chamber was empty - The dumb blondes. Its hard to find a Beauty with brains these days. Well the beauties are easier since surgery can do such great things these days. I have worn braces myself, So I am not an exception. But brains in a women is harder to find than a needle in a haystack or as most of the older wiser men would put it - " Women - hard to expect anything out of them - they are just made differently." Coming back to male libido, I do not understand why a Indian Male who goes around depositng his seed in varous receptive places is supposed to be a treasured Stallion or Marad ka baccha. And a Woman who does the same, she is going to condemned for life - The Whore. Why shouldn't it be the same. Guess its just a case of the shaft being mightier than the hole. But mechanically speaking its the type of fit and tolerance which defines the priority of the might. Heard this story about a girl, which I found very amusing and my respect for the girl just increased manifold. A guy got the girl drunk (she was a heavy drinker anyways) and then tried getting her laid. The girl told him coldly " You are just like any other guy who wanted to get into my pants. Now look at you, you have got a erectile dysfunction" . Bravo to the girl. All you feminists if you are reading this is how you get back and not with your stupid mahila mukti morchas or tears on the big screen.

The smell of your perfume enthralls me,
I have found you once, I will find you again,
And again and again and again,
I will settle with the scent of you which will enthrall me forever.

Misinterpretations of a Misconstrued Mind.

Sometimes I wonder why being radical is deemed wrong. Why questioning the tried and tested ways and exploring new ways to do the same thing condemned. Why is it wrong to do things differently. Why is change resisted ? Why is it hard to accept that change is the only thing that is PERMANENT.
Everything that I have collectively written above would be conceived to be misinterpretations of DIFFERENT popular beliefs. Misinterpretations simply because it could be blasphemous to say such things or just not acceptable. Attacks could be immediately administered on the contraption that was producing these thoughts - my mind. In other words my mind would be construed to be miscontrued. And thus the above musings would be contrived to be "MISINTERPRETATIONS OF A MISCONSTRUED MIND"

To live without fear

A Storm brewing outside on a cold chilly night,
Rocking everything in its way, with all its might,
A broken pane here, a shattered streetlight there,
Piles of scattered masses everywhere.

Amidst all this stands one man ,
One man staring at horror and disarray,
And Lucifer asks him" What will you do now my dear?".
"I will live life without fear.", says he, without shedding a tear.

"Days pass by, so shall the nights."
"Nothing to carry, nothing to leave behind."
"Not a morsel in hand, not a drop to drink."
Lucifer smiles , a sadistic unyielding smile.

"When there is a day, there shall be night."
"Where there is sorrow, happiness is on the way."
"Principle of duality they say,
like you the one below,
and he the one above."
And he looks up, blasphemy you say,
to see Lucifer eye to eye.

" Stars shall shine till dawn arrives."
"Life shall go on till you reach St Peter's hallows."
"To live life, thy shall love one self."
Dawn arrives, away does Lucifer turn from the light.

Scars show amidst the glow in the face.
"Repentant should you be, for teaching sacrilegious ways."
"Why shun the sunshine, the only thing that is so pure."
"Love him more than thyself, Lucifer, and you shall see no fear."

"Principle of Duality as you say my son."
" Where there is good, there shall be evil."
And then Lucifer is ready to fly , fly away into oblivion.
"Carry on my son , you who sees no fear.
Live life, life without any fear."

Fly away to the Strange

(Its been 8 months since my last blog, but it just happened that I wrote a few poems but just could not either conclude them or fill the spices in the , middle or just could not start. And suddenly today i just thought I would take the bits and pieces from each of those unfinished poems and try to sew them together to make this poem. PLEASE DO COMMENT , IT would be APPRECIATED)

Strange is the path to love,

A path uncertain , obstacles on the way ,

Is it just about being ready to consummate ,

Or about being there every moment,

Every minute , every hour, every day.

Its all a farce, a never ending mirage,

Looking into your eyes my darling,

Love is at best a distant second,

Lust is all I get to see.

Strange is the path to such happiness,

Relationships to keep , Relationships to break,

Making a new path, new unforeseen way,

A Life changing instance it could be,

Or may even take a life away.

A drop of creamy white is birth,

A drop of viscous black is death,

And then you have a sea of brine,

To outpour during work, sex and play.

Strange is the path to such a life,

No directions to go by ,

No rules to go by, no absolute way,

Just trusting your instincts,

And living in your imaginary way.

A choice is to be made,

Whether to be confined to boredom,

Or to the backwaters of ecstasy ,

Or better still a life which is obsolete ,

Of absolutely nothing

Strange is the path to make money,

You need some to make some,

After all anything multiplied to zilch is zilch,

But then you may end up with a honeycomb,

Saving one penny at a time.

Lighting a matchstick in a wildfire ,

Drinking a glass of water under the sea,

Using an air cylinder to sky dive ,

All you want is a speck of sand from the desert.

I want to jive , I want to dive,

I want to try , try to fly

Fly away from love

Into calm and tranquility,

Fly away from happiness,

Into peace and serenity,

Fly away from life,

Into darkness and the unknown

Fly away from money,

Into satisfaction and harmony .

Fly, fly away onto the horizon,

Fly fly away into oblivion

Fly, fly , Fly away to the Strange

Something . . . . . . . . . . .

Something that life has taught me,

you can be as close to a person,

only as much the person wants you to be,

Fact of life , live with it or just die.

Something that love has taught me,

relationships are meant to mend or to break,

Love an oddysey you want to live with,

you need to try hard to live without.

Something that friendship has taught me,

It takes just a remark to liven a day,

Remark good or bad,

One's misery is the other's happiness.

Something that work has taught me,

The more harder you try,

Lesser are the chances of success,

Let things be, see the difference.

Something that nature has taught me, 

You are a reflection of something else,

The harder you try to be different,

The more the similarities become apparent.

Something that music has taught me,

Every tune exists in the universe,

The quality depends on the composer,

It could be smash hit or a flop.

Something that emotions have taught me,

The more you emote, the more you are vulnerable,

Vulnerable you definitely will be,

Once the tears dry up, human you no longer will be.

Something that intoxication has taught me,

The more you drink, 

the more you speak, 

more relationships you damage.

Something that women have taught me ,

You love  a woman and you need to unify the world,

But if she loves you with her heart and soul,

your life is done , you will die a happy man

Something that money has taught me,

The more you crave for it,

The more you find your necessaties,

Contentment would negate all these,

But alas! you would then be a man with satiable desires

Something that imperfections have taught me,

nature, work music and  emotions,

virtually complete your life,

Intoxications woman money and love, 

they just help you blur these imperfections.

Life - defined by sine waves and other theorems

The sine wave.

Whoever invented or rather discovered the sinusoidal wave knew a lot about life. Looking back at 25 years of my life, every 2 years, I have started liking someone or something , in 2 years time the interest has just faded away. Sometimes I wonder why everything seems so rosy in the beginning and then it just fades away. I feel so lonely at times that I feel I should rediscover myself - In other words, discover what I want to do or who I want to be. Probably in these 25 years, something that has soothed and supported me is MUSIC. Probably it was easier to relate to the happiness and sorrows reflected upon by the musicians. It feels like the youthful exuberance is dead and buried. Its gone, gone with the wind. 

The tragedy

The tragedy of life is that when the road is all clear, its easier to go through. A little fog on the way and you drift away to an unknown place. The place is the same, the people are the same, and you are unable to understand what has changed. Nothing really, everybody and everything is the same. Probably its you, you have kept changing thats all. I wonder about the kind of things that people can do to achieve and I feel where and why am I stopping myself. I guess I just feel like the ancient Mariner waiting for an albatross to show me the way. And then I feel like a hypocrite because 

I used to tell myself I dont believe in Destiny,

Here I am waiting for my destiny to come upon me .

To come upon me like the wind,

To blow me away,

To come upon me like the waves,

To wash me away,

To come upon me like the sun, 

To burn me away.

Thoughts of a misplaced mind

My ex girlfriend had a very nice way to bring me back to earth when I used to draw plans of conquering the world. She used to say "Do it first and then lets talk about it". You were right, I guess I am just a dreamer not an implementer. To put it in a cliched context - I was a control freak till I completely lost control of my life.

 

I used to be energetic, 

Now I just accept whatever I get,

I used to be stonehearted,

Now my emotions just overflow.

I used to flirt with chicks,

Now I fail to make an impression on the village belle.

I used to be unapologetic,

Now all that I do is mutter apologies to one and all.

Middle age prematuredly

They say that a man feels useless during his middle age but thats after 35 isnt' it ??. I guess its the global warming. I mean kids talk about sex these days once they are 10 so I guess if that could go back by 8-10 years, then - - - - -. Its a good sign I guess, as the old adage goes "Life begins at 40" Probably my life will begin at 30 thats 4 years down the lane. 

Brash and unapologetic

Being brash, unapalogetic was so much easier. No need to think twice everytime you speak, that was easier. Being cool calm and composed and collected with my thoughts, that is so much harder. Being guided and told the path to follow was so much easier. Now I am so alone, on my own, not knowing who I should believe and trust. My colleagues tell me think about yourself only. Its one man for himself, we are all professionals. Hmmm professionals are we or just animals in the jungle some rats some leopards some hyenas and some vultures to scavenge what remains.

Strategy and Intellect

I always hated to play chess with players who went about killing pieces and bringing the game to minimum number of pieces in no time. I loved to play it on the basis of strategy because of the sanity and intellect involved. Moreover the thrill and the possibility of unseen moves made it all the more interesting. But unfortunately today I am surrounded by killers rather than strategists, insanity rather than intellect.

Substance matters does it,

I always thought that substance matters. But now I am not sure. For the first time in my life everything seems to be like a fog, a mirage. Sometimes I seem to forget who I am and what I am supposed to be. Everything is so bleak. I once believed I could change the world. But I guess I lost the race. I try hard to be what the world wants me to be. 

A perfect life

 When I failed I used to console myself saying "You cant always get what you want because if you did the world would be a perfect place. But then a perfect life would be boring as life would not present the uncertainties. Its the uncertainties that make life interesting.", Unfortunately now leave alone the perfect life, I aint sure what I want in the first place. 

An old man turned ninety-eight 
He won the lottery and died the next day 
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay 
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late 
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think 

 

Ironic - Alanis Morissette

Hallucinations

The funniest aspects of our lives is the unnecessary importance we give to things which exist only in the mind and not in reality.  Take the instance of a couple who are not of the same caste or have some other issues say like my ex girlfriend was older to me. Now the problem is status, society and so on goes the bullshit. Funny status ego log kya kahenge these are in the mind and do not have substantial existence but I guess people like me just let go. I mean the girl was for real she existed and the pride izzat etc etc was in the mind. Look at me all alone and she is happily married. 

Good guys - really

A friend commented that all the good guys have stopped working cos of lack of initiative, a lack of will and more importantly the lack of creativity in their workspace. Well the good guys were supposed to make a path for themselves weren't they ? An oft repeated phrase between me and some of my friends over a peg of whiskey is " If I had a crore I would change the world." Well the fact point blank is we are not able to make anything out of the few thousands we make, would a crore really make a difference. If I heard right Dhirubhai only had 15000 out of his dowhry when he sought to build Reliance the Empire. I guess its true to make money you need to have something for exchange. I mean you need to start somewhere.

Critical Temperature of steam

We are super superheated at 372 degrees (critical temperature of steam at / above which water directly converts to steam without latent heat of conversion) we tend to forget that steam also has a pressure which can be varied till 225 bar the critical pressure of steam. I guess the biggest problem is that we all prefer to be horses with blinders. Actually that would not be fair will it because either you wear the blinders on your own or somebody else asks you to wear them.  

Fuck and forget.

Male bravado or to put it in more accurate terms LIBIDO is a subject of immense pride to the Indian male. Every second male in the country would have had sex with at least 5-7 girls before marriage. Half brag and half truth  -------- But what I do not really seem to understand is that.

If its only an intercourse that matters, you could always use a bloody stuffed mannequin. There are women smart sexy and beautiful who have fallen for LOVE and ended up having one night two nught 30nights stands, so on and so forth. And there are others in the newly found metro cliches- f@$% buddies. Well my dear f@#$ buddies whats the diference between this f@#$ and f@#$ing a prostitute .Unfortunately have not met such a girl yet. Or maybe I am just not that kind of guy. Or to sound decent I am just too selective.

A theorem to conclude all the theorems.

A cliched dialogue in our Hindi movies is "You come naked to this world and you go naked as well" or the improvised corollary "You come alone and you shalt leave alone as well". 

I guess I ll conclude by a rewriting a piece from a poem on my blog "A street where everyone has a name"

On the mountain of hopes and aspirations, do we all stand,
Most of us look down and shout out our names,

But then there are others standing up there silently,
With the ones below calling the silent ones.

As I walk down the mountain onto the street of life,
I see people standing by the signboards,
On those signboards, do they hope to have their names.

And thus one day shall thy walk ,
walk on a street where everyone has a name. 

Life or something like it . . .

( The title is the name of a Angelina Jolie, I saw sometime back. Wanted to write Something in the same context from a pretty long time. Finally got enough material to justify the title)

The sun rises, a new day has come.
A new day, a new beginning.
The cocoon breaks and the butterfly emerges,
Spreading new light, new colors.

You can be what you want to be,
Define life to a TEE,
Thats living life in VEE,
And thats when life stings you back like a bee.

A plane flies in the sky,
Fly , Fly like a bird, like an eagle,
Soar the skies, cut through the air,
It only takes a speck of dust to rip it apart.

Reality strikes then one day,
Cracking all the glasses,
Like throwing a boulder into the still water,
Reverberating, pulsing off the waves.

You are all of 25, All matured, overworked, all tired,
You are left all alone in absolute isolation,
Is it just the attraction that kills,
Or the total misadventure me,
Relationships that I kill.

I think therefore I am goes the slogan,
But I am because of the circumstances,
I am what the world has made me,
I am not what I always wanted to be.

Life is all about chances,
Or rather all the unused chances,
Chances one should take to be happy,
Or rather chances not taken to remain free.

shadows

A sailor watches a lonely hand on the surface,
He brings his boat to the tired traveller,
The look in the eye is one of gratefulness,
A firm handshake signals a new beginning.

A new beginning to life and its ways,
Always will you find something/ someone to go by,
An accomplice to help you in your way,
No man's an island, two is company,

Companionship required to fulfill the rules of duality,
Day and night, black and white,
You and your shadow, Man and a woman,
Something to keep you in place, in your orbit,

An orbit to revolve, or an axis to rotate,
Something to keep you in the worldly order,
You can run away from home, wife and family,
But your one true follower is your shadow,

Shadows will be there till there is light,
A shadow may dissappear on a cloudy day,
But a faint whisker of darkness will lead you to light,
Shadows are but the proof of existence on a sunny day.

A sunny day, a symbol of all happiness in the world,
A dark foggy day; gloom, dissappointment, unhappiness,
Principle of duality my dear friends,
If thou shalt see the night, he shalt certainly see day.

In the day did the Titanic sail in all majesty,
With nightfall approaching, it approached doomsday,
A tip of the iceberg is all it took to decimate,
With the shadow beneath its eventual nemesis.

Nemesis and genesis of all beings,
Living and dead, plants and animals,
mobile and immobile, air and water,
In two parts are they,
Where there is a calm there will be a storm.

A storm came by, a catastrophe shall befall,
The boat capsizes, the hand of life pulls away,
The sailor drowns, the lonely traveller floats,
His shadow the only compass to show the way.